10 things to know about marriage BEFORE you get married (Part 1)
**NOTE** While this is intended for unmarried Christian men - I think those of us who are married currently will also benefit from this refresher. Hopefully, it will help married men as well and encourage you to consider some areas where maybe you've dropped the ball and need to re-engage in the fight for your marriage again.
Have you ever thought, “Gosh, I wish I had know this before I got here!”?
Maybe you thought that about parenting, or money, or some health issue that you're dealing with. Today, though, we’re talking about how nice it would be to have some wisdom and insight about marriage before you say, "I do!".
Hindsight is 20/20 they say. But wouldn’t foresight be even better?!
We think so, too, and that’s what we’re doing in this post today; trying to help serve those of you who have never been married before (or maybe are hoping to re-marry again and do it better one day) and are praying and considering what its really like and how to be more prepared.
Speaking of which, there is nothing as special and sacred as a Christian marriage. But with that sacred trust comes a major fight! To not be prepared for marriage is like walking into a battle unarmed and unprepared. Which is what we're trying to keep you from doing today.
So with that in mind, here are some thoughts on things I wish I had known about marriage BEFORE I got married.
1. Check your expectations.
Don’t expect everything to be perfect and don't expect your wife to see life the same as you. I doubt you do. But unspoken expectations are a big culprit when it comes to broken relationships and hurt feelings. Don’t expect your wife to make your home like you want it. Don't expect that she'll cook or clean or want sex just like you think she "obviously" would. Protecting yourself in this one area can save my troubles for you both down the road.
Instead, discuss your expectations with her and then ask her for hers. Be fair with her, provide for HER expectations and then die to your own. Marriage is going to be hard work and will require compromise from both of you. But don't make it harder than it has to be by having unfair and unspoken expectations get in your way.
2. Get comfortable praying with one another.
Do you want a surefire way to feel close to your wife and make her feel loved in your marriage? Learn to pray with her. This sounds incredible simple and obvious, but trust me - it isn't! In fact, here's a homework assignment for you: start asking married men that you know if - or how often - they pray with their wives. You may be shocked at what you find out!
For some reason, praying with your spouse is hard to do! Why? There's no good answer besides, "It's a spiritual fight and the devil doesn't want you doing it." That's true. But you're not average (I know this because you're reading this right now!) and you don't want an average marriage. One way to excel and stand the test of time is to get comfortable early on praying with and for your wife. Wait too long and you may struggle to ever get started.
3. Study your spouse’s love language and personality traits.
Know your spouse’s love language, Enneagram, DISC profile, whatever you like. The main point here is that your wife is very different from you - despite all the ways you may be similar. Everyone has their own needs when it comes to feeling loved, so figure out what speaks to your wife the most and then put it into practice.
One rookie mistake many Christian men make early on in marriage is to just do the cliche things to show your wife that you love her: i.e. buy her cards on birthdays and anniversaries, buy flowers and chocolates, etc. But what if your wife actually prefers that you just sit and chat? What if she feels most loved when you notice something she loves and you bought it for her to show that you pay close attention to these small details? What if she would feel most loved if you did a project around the house for her instead?
The point is to find out! Don't guess and don't be lazy. Do personality tests, read books, and most importantly - talk to her about what makes her feel most loved and then resist the impulse to do things that YOU would like done for you. It's not about you. Know what she thinks is special to her and then learn to speak the language of love that she wants most from you.
4. Prioritize your marriage over your kids.
Early on in your marriage you'll be able to spend all the time you want with her. Prioritizing her will be easy. Then kids will come (God willing). When/if this happens, new priorities emerge and they will compete and even feel more important. After all, if you don't make the care of your children a top priority then they'll never make it.
But the best way to love your children is to have a happy marriage that is centered on Christ. This is the best gift you can ever give them. To do this and to keep your commitment to your wife (that you made before God to cherish her above all others) you will need to prioritize the time and money you spend on your marriage. Whether it's going on dates or just spending time together at home, make time together with her your highest priority. Shoot for time alone with her each month and at least once quarterly. If at all possible, try to get away at least once annually too. I know that's a lot and it doesn't have to be expensive - but it's critical to life and the goals you have for your life and family.
Lastly, make your marriage a part of your budget. Set aside a small amount each month to show its as much of a priority as giving, saving, and eating. Because it is!
5. Treat her like your friend.
I can't emphasis this enough because I've watched many marriages move away from this slowly but surely over time.
When you married your wife you promised to cherish her. Look that word up. It's important. Over time, your lives will get busy and, in many marriages, you end up looking more like a management department that meets weekly to figure out logistics than a thriving marriage built on friendship, love, and happiness.
Don't let this be your story. To protect you from this, remember that you married your friend. Your lover. Do not talk to her harshly - ever! Do not be demeaning or act like "the boss". You're not! You're the one she trusted to guard her heart. To do that, you'll need to treat her like a friend. Talk to her like one. Date her like one. Encourage her like one. Love her like one.
In the end, you'll both benefit from a home that's built around friendship first.
Click here to read Part II of this series: 10 things to know about marriage BEFORE you get married
