How to love a woman deeply: Understanding Her 3 Big Desires
"For if you are going to know who you truly are as a man, if you are going to find a life worth living, if you are going to love a woman deeply and not pass on your confusion to your children, you simply must get your heart back."
- John Eldredge, Wild at Heart
I know what you might be thinking when you read a quote like that.
For a lot of men, any conversation about the heart is an instant "eye roll" or "here we go again with this soft stuff!" kind of feeling. I get it! I really do.
But bear with me for a minute because I think John's on to something incredibly important for us men that we need to hear. If you find that this doesn't apply to - great! No harm, no foul.
But what if it does? What if you're one of the millions of men who is dealing with some of the common things that are keeping you back from the life that Jesus offers and you don't even know that your heart is the real issue?
Let's look at some of the signs or symptoms and see if any of these relate with you. Then, we'll look at the 3 Big Desires of a woman's heart and 3 things you can do to show her that you love her deeply.
Signs Your Heart Needs Help
Many of us men are walking around showing heart issues but not even recognizing that that is what it is.
For example, see if any of these sound familiar to you:
- Unresolved anger and you're not sure where it comes from or why you react the way that you do.
- Childhood voices continue to haunt you and the messages you received play over and over again in your head - even though it was decades ago now.
- Pornography and lust dominate your mind and you struggle to find ways to defeat the temptations.
- Lack of passion for things you once treasured, wanted, or had set out to accomplish.
- Extreme drivenness and you don't know why you feel the way you do about getting stuff done, doing something new, winning at all costs.
- Relationships struggle but your marriage, in particular, is unsatisfying, boring, or lost that loving feeling many moons ago and you're just getting through each day like strangers in the same house.
Does any of that sound familiar to you? Do you recognize any of those signs in your life?
If so, you have issues of the heart that are unresolved and you may even know it.
What's at Stake?
This is the question we should often ask ourselves. "What's at stake if I don't figure this out or do something about it?"
I'm glad you asked!
Several things come to mind.
1. You'll pass on the wounded heart issues to your children. They too will struggle in different areas of their lives and won't know why or how to recognize what's going on either.
2. You'll retreat into your mental "cave" and never learn to deal with the pain and your life will suffer.
3. You'll never be able to give the woman that you love what she really wants or needs.
Speaking of which, let's look quickly at a woman's 3 Big Desires.
Her 3 Big Desires
Is it fair to pigeon-hole every woman and say that these are "the" 3 big desires and there's nothing more to it? Of course not...and there is definitely some generalization happening here. But according to John Eldredge and his decades of experience, these are the primary ones for most women.
So let's give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he says.
1. She yearns to be fought for.
In other words, she "wants to be wanted". So let me ask you married men: How does your wife really feel about hitching her wagon to you? When you dated her, you won her over. But does she still feel wanted by you today? Or are you disengaged, spending most of your time and energy at work, on hobbies, in the garage, or playing golf? Does your woman feel fought for - or mostly just fought with at this stage of the game?
2. She wants to share an adventure.
A woman wants what you want: a life of greater meaning, purpose, and value. But how can she feel like she achieved this if she is always overworked, stressed out, and tired? This is where men come into the picture. The prince charming she wanted didn't just love her because she was beautiful, but he took her into his life and he protected her heart and brought her on the journey with him so they could create something beautiful together. Where can you, then, encourage her and invite her to find and live out her deepest need for an adventure?
3. She wants to unveil her beauty.
Yes, you are with your wife because she is beautiful to you. But her outward appearance isn't all there is to her and its certainly not the only thing that makes her beautiful. Your woman wants to be truly "seen". She wants to be loved for who she is or who she could be if she were supported and loved fully. She is, in fact, trusting in you to see her this way and to love and enjoy her for all that she is.
So what do we do now that we know this 3 Big Desires?
3 Things Men Can Do
1. FIGHT for her heart as you rescue and recover your own. You are likely reading this blog because you truly want to be the man God meant for you to be. Great! Here's where you start: by fighting for others. In particular, by fighting for the woman you love and vowed to protect til death do us part. Fight to help her rescue her heart and you'll find yourself rescuing your own.
2. FIGHT for your marriage. Talk to your wife again about the adventures she dreams of. Ask great questions and find out what she thinks about the future. Ask her what she'd like to accomplish before she dies. Find out what she hasn't done yet that she's always wanted to. Know her goals, dreams, and visions and pray about ways that God can use you to support those ideas.
3. FIGHT for her beauty. Date her regularly and let her know what's on your mind and in your heart - especially as it relates to her. Use your words - on paper or letters or cards and also out loud. Express what you want for her and let her know all the ways that she is still beautiful to you - both inside and out.
John sums up these ideas beautifully at the end of Chapter 1 of his book Wild at Heart with these words that we started with at the beginning of this post:
"For if you are going to know who you truly are as a man, if you are going to find a life worth living, if you are going to love a woman deeply and not pass on your confusion to your children, you simply must get your heart back."
For more on this topic, listen to Podcast Episode #6: Click here.
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