5 Ways To Improve Your Sex Life
SEX.
Now that I know I have your attention, let's talk about it (just like the band, TLC, told us to in the 1990s!).
To be clear, if you are not married, this is helpful to you - not for now, but for later on. Conversations like this are totally appropriate, needed, good and blessed by God - but only if you are in a committed, Christian marriage of one man and one woman. If that is not you today, then take good notes and prepare for the future.
If that is you and you are married to a godly woman right now, then grab a pen and paper and lean in close. There are some tried-and-true ideas here that can absolutely help you.
Here are 5 ways to improve your sex life today.
1. Bounce your eyes.
Imagine that you're at the gym. A hot girl walks by in tight leggings and a sports bra. Quick: what do you do??
If you're most guys - even Christian guys - you stare, gawk, try to act cool, probably flex your muscles a bit, and then try to pretend like you're not interested or looking.
Here's the problem: you're cheating. You're stealing glances but it is absolutely WAY more than that! When you look lustfully after another woman you are tempted to think that, "It's no big deal. It's not like I'd even DO anything with her. I'm just looking and appreciating the beauty of God's creation!" This is the typical man's response. We really don't see anything wrong with what we're seeing. And that's the problem!
In subtle ways like this, we are really sabotaging our own sex life and we don't even know it. How? Every time we cheat with our eyes we are finding small amounts of sexual satisfaction in someone other than our wives. The effect of this - that many men haven't even thought about - is that when they are actually with their wives and want to be intimate with them, they find it harder and harder to enjoy her over time. What if your wife isn't as young or as fit as the girl at the gym or the beach or the internet? What happens then? Answer: your wife (your only TRUE source of sexual satisfaction) actually is downgraded in your mind and this can eventually lead to sexual dysfunction, lack of interest and arousal, and hurts your sex life (let alone what God would say about this or feel about you treating His daughters that way).
Do you REALLY want better sex with your wife? Then start bouncing your eyes away from looking at other women. It will take practice and discipline, but if you do - you will see that your sexual energy and satisfaction will be increased and sex with your wife will improve.
2. Understand your wife.
1 Peter 3:7 gives us incredible insight into how to improve our sex lives. But it takes some discernment to see how. Here's the part of the verse I want you to focus on: "...husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way...". Let's look at what this means and how it pertains to better sex.
Think about your wife for a minute. What does she love to do? What is her love language? What are some things that she asks for help with around the house? What burdens does she carry that you could help offset? What would be something meaningful for her?
There are clues in each of these questions and it is your job to "live with her in an understanding way." This means that you need to not just hope that she'll get in bed with you and fulfill all of your crazy dreams, but that you will be the one to work to understand what encourages, inspires, and lifts her spirits.
When you truly understand what makes your wife happy, fulfilled and satisfied in your marriage, she is going to be more willing to help you feel the same (and she already knows what you're hoping for and probably understands you pretty well!).
3. Be content.
"Rejoice in the wife of your youth" - Proverbs 5:18.
I know that "be content" sounds super simplistic but it has a tremendous effect on your sex life. When we are not content, we are always looking for something more to bring us enjoyment. And therein lies the problem. A lack of content leads to a lackluster sex life.
It makes sense doesn't it? But what do we do? How do we learn to be content?
It goes back to the verse from Proverbs. Rejoice means "to feel joy or great delight" for something. In this case, we're purposefully rehearsing all the ways that our wives bring us joy and delight. We do this by telling her (often) how much we appreciate her. We replay in our minds all the ways that she serves, shares, and makes our lives better and more enjoyable. We remember how we convinced her to marry us and how she trusted that we'd carefully protect her and her heart and she trusts that we will honor that commitment still today.
If - and when - we do this, we will be more content with the wife of our youth. We will start to "feel" more of the feelings that cause us to want to be close to her and love her more. As we do this, we will find ourselves more drawn to her and this will help us improve our sex life in meaningful ways for both of you.
4. Treat her like your girlfriend - not your wife.
Do you remember what life was like when you were dating your wife? Think back to those days for a minute.
Do you remember how you liked to just be around her and how it made you feel to do nothing at all and how that was ok back then? Do you remember how you'd talk to her and enjoy the things that she'd talk to you about - even if you weren't really interested in whatever it was she was spider-webbing about? Do you remember how she'd sit on your lap or how you'd hold her hand every chance you got?
Key question: Do you still treat her that way? Do you still do those things?
If your love life and sex life is lacking, this may be a big reason why.
In too many marriages, people move from dating to marriage and then lose touch with everything that made that season of life so much fun. We go from friends and lovers to co-business owners of "Our Home, Inc". Nowadays, we simply spend most of our time on our devices (even if we're in the same room). We organize our weekly calendars to make sure common tasks get done. We spread out the chores and to-do lists and learn to become efficient.
Then we wonder how we grew apart and why we're not as sexually fulfilled as we used to be.
So, if you want to change this and get that spark back in your marriage, then stop treating your wife like a business partner and start treating her like your girlfriend again. Talk kindly to her. Don't snap at her or be demanding about what she does. Encourage her to go out with her girlfriends and have some fun with her friends. Don't look at her with a gruff, mean face and speak harshly to her - ever.
Treat her like your girlfriend - like someone you ACTUALLY love and enjoy and if you do - your sex life will become more enjoyable too!
5. Don't let a one day issue stretch to two.
Conflict. Tension. Trouble.
Every marriage has it. But how we respond to it makes all the difference when it comes to our sex life.
I remember hearing a story about a former University of Michigan athletic director who talked about how to handle a negative situation that brought about bad press. He said something along the lines of, "Don't let a bad day turn into two in a row." To do this, that meant that they had to get in front of the issue, deal with it immediately, and then move forward.
Scriptures tell us something similar in Ephesians 4:26: "And 'don’t sin by letting anger control you.' Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry...". This is such good, timeless truth and it can be a great opportunity for Christian couples to improve their sex lives.
When we deal with our issues and refuse to let them spill over into the night, it can mean the difference between night and day (pun intended). Embracing this truth (unsurprisingly) often leads to one of the greatest joys of marriage: make-up sex!
Don't try to manipulate the situation to simply have sex with your wife after you've gotten into a fight or disagreement. But don't be surprised when God brings good things like this by following his advice.
Don't let your bad day turn into two.
Want to improve your sex life today? Bounce your eyes. Understand your wife. Be content. Treat her like your girlfriend - not your wife. And don't let a one day issue stretch into two.
