Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets: The Integrity Question

"I don't know you.  But I know something about you."

That's what I would tell complete strangers that I'd meet at retirement benefits trainings that I lead years ago while working for another wealth management team.

I'd go on to say this:  "At some point in the future I believe that every one of us will one day either say, think, or feel one of two things:  1) I'm so glad that I did.... or 2) I wish that I would have...."

I'd go on to talk about planning for the future and why retirement planning was so important.  But the reality is that planning for the future is critical for everyone - but not just when it comes to money.

The difference between "I'm so glad that I did" and "I wish that I would have" is night and day!  The first one is light, easy, full of joy and peace.  The second is as heavy as it gets.  There is nothing in this world much heavier than regret.

That's what we're talking about in this conversation today.  How to live the life that God has in mind for us and how to get to the end with fewer regrets.

Regret is a Decision

None of us wakes up and decides to cause pain and suffering and regret.  Yet...many (or most) of us end up living with just that.

We don't decide one day to ruin our marriage, parent our kids to be lazy or dependent on us in their 30's, get out of shape and put on 50 pounds, or get to retirement without sufficient savings.

But many of us end up there anyway.  How does this happen?

One small decision at a time!

That's the key to today's conversation.  We have to understand that our intentions play no part if our future.  Only our decisions and the habits that we create.

For example, when it comes to your health you probably would say that you care about it and hope to be healthy.  That's your intention anyway.  But when it comes down to it, the only thing that matters is what you do about it.

Do you decide to work out even when you don't feel like it or do you decide to skip it?

Do you decide to drink 100oz of water a day or do you fill yourself with caffeine and sugary drinks?

Do you decide to have a bowl of ice cream or a glass of wine or beer before bed every night?

Do you decide to eat fast food 2-3 times a week or pack a boring lunch?

You see, it's not what you intend to do that counts.  Only what you decide to do about it.

Should it surprise us then when we end up gaining 5-10 pounds a year and wake up one day 40 pounds heavier than we've ever been?  Should it surprise us when we have heartburn every night and our doctor tells us that we're pre-diabetic?  No.  But somehow we act surprised when we arrive at this destination.

As F. M. Alexander says, "People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures."

He's right and he knows what we all know too:  that our decisions will lead us to being "so glad we did the right things" or left "wishing so bad that we had".

5 Key Questions

In Andy Stanley's book, "Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets", he lays out 5 Key Questions that can help us live with fewer regrets.  As we've seen already, it's not our intentions that matter most but our actions and decisions.  So, in order to make better decisions we've got to learn to ask better questions.

Here are the 5 Questions Andy suggests:

1. The Integrity Question:  Am I being honest with myself...really?

2. The Legacy Question: What story do I want to tell?

3. The Conscience Question: Is there a tension that deserves my attention?

4. The Maturity Question: What's the wise thing to do?

5. The Relationship Question: What does love require of me?

Today, we will look briefly at question #1 but I suggest reading the book for more depth.  Click here to check it out.

Be Honest With Yourself

Andy says, "...when it comes to good decision-making, we face our greatest challenge every morning in the mirror.  Self-leadership is the great leadership challenge any of us face.  But self-leadership is a critical component to our success in every arena of life.  You've never be a leader worth following if you don't lead yourself well...you can't lead yourself if you're lying to yourself."

We know that lying is wrong and we don't tolerate (or shouldn't tolerate) people who are habitual liars to us.  Yet, why do we allow ourselves to lie to ourselves?  Unfortunately, we're very good at it.

Think about your own stories.

Have you ever bought a house or car or another pair of shoes that you knew you shouldn't but you convinced yourself it was a good idea?

Have you ever dated someone you knew it was wrong to date but you explained it to yourself that it was harmless or no big deal?

Have you looked at inappropriate things online after telling yourself you were really only getting on the computer to check out something else (knowing the whole time what you were about to do)?

We all are guilty of things like this and we're all guilty of allowing ourself to lie to ourselves.  This is a critical issue that we have to address if we hope to live the life that God has in mind for us to live - a life of freedom, peace, joy - and fewer regrets.

To do this, Andy suggests that we ask The Integrity Question:  "Am I being honest with myself?"

But there's an additional word that he recommends that I think really drives the point home.  That word is this:  "Really".

"Am I being honest with myself...really?"

It sounds like this:

Why am I buying this thing....really?

What do I think will happen if I go there....really?

Why do I want this thing....really?

Can this thing make me happy....really?

Is God for this decision....really?

On and on you can go with this and you should.  By asking the question and then ending it with "really" we are forcing ourselves to be honest.  The truth is what we need and its hard to do because we can be so convincing in our own minds.  

But remember:  you will one day look back and say, think, or feel one of those two options - "I'm so glad I did" or "I wish that I would have".

We all know what our intentions are.  We want to look back and have fewer regrets and say, "I'm so glad I made the decisions that I did!".  But our intentions aren't going to get us there.

If you want to live your life to the fullest, you've got to be honest with yourself and ask this great Integrity Question BEFORE you make your decision to act.  In the future, you'll be so glad you did!

Click here to listen to more of this conversation on the Get In The Fight Podcast - Episode #16.

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