How to love a woman: the 5 C's
Disclaimer: Today's conversation is based on an idea I stole from a message from Pastor Jonathan Pokluda. I am including the video of this talk at the bottom of this blog post and beg you to PLEASE LISTEN to it after you read this! It's so good and so needed! I have taken the ideas that I am sharing here from his message, but I came up with my own C's for this blog. So, hopefully, you will benefit even more from both his thoughts and mine.
Loving a woman. That's a tall order, isn't it! How do we do that? Where do we even begin?
For many men, it begins with a ring. An engagement ring, to be exact. In today's conversation, we are going to use the same ideas for finding a quality engagement ring to help us find clues about loving a woman.
So how do you find a good diamond ring to give to your lady? There are 4 C's that you'll need to know about.
1. Cut 2. Clarity 3. Color 4. Carat
Each of these four things determines the value of the ring. While most people focus primarily on the carat (or weight) of the diamond, the other three are equally as important. For example, if you had a big one-carat diamond but the color was yellowish and the clarity was foggy, you'd have a big, but ugly ring that wasn't worth much at all.
But when you find one that is shaped the way you want it and it has the clarity and color to match and its in a size/weight you can afford - you're on to something good!
In the same way, we want to learn - as men - how to love a woman. Like a diamond ring, we are going to look at 5 C's (instead of 4) that a man needs in order to truly love a woman the that way God intended.
Here are the 5 C's:
1. Character
1 Corinthians 13:11 says, " When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things." Growing in your character and growing up into a man, is one of the most critical qualities for men to embrace. A man can't truly love a woman when he's still acting like a child.
While that sounds simplistic, it is vitally needed today. Far too many men have never progressed from boyhood to manhood. They have stayed children in so many ways. Just look at how many "men" are staying in the parent's basements for far longer than they should be.
So let me ask you: Who are you becoming as a man? Is your character and strength growing or are you still self-focused, self-absorbed, and selfish? Are you acting and living like a man - or are you still speaking, thinking, and living like a child?
If you want to learn how to love a woman like a man of God should, you must first work on yourself and let the characteristics of Christ become your truest identity and nature. If you don't, your wife and family and your very soul will suffer from your lack of character.
2. Chivalry
Many people say that Chivalry is dead. But let them say that all they want and then let them see the way that you are with a woman and learn that that's not true. Some men still live that way!
So, what is chivalry? It's when you...
- Hold the door open for a lady when you're walking into a building
- Open the car door for her - especially when it's raining or the weather stinks
- Hold her hand (more often than you feel like it)
- Pull out her chair for her when she's about to sit down (not "out from under her" you big goof!)
- Buy her flowers and write her a kind message - for no particular reason other than love
- Offer your jacket when she's cold
There are clearly more ways than this, but these are a great start to show the world and especially your woman that chivalry is not dead!
3. Committed
One of my favorite verses to talk to my four daughters about is this one from Proverbs 31:12: "She brings him good and not harm all the days of her life."
While that verse is speaking to women, I think it is fitting and wise for men to consider its message.
In dating and in marriage, a godly man will be committed to keeping his eyes and his heart pure and devoted to only his woman. In dating, this verse admonishes people to treat future spouses this way long before you might even know their name! "All the days" means just that - even those days in which you don't know they exist. This means that men will commit to not harming that person before or after marriage by mistreating her with your eyes or heart or hands. Literally, then, you are committed to her "all the days of (her) life".
Men: how are you doing at this? What is your commitment level it comes to your eyes and your heart? Are you fully committed to looking away when women come across your computer screen or anywhere else? Or are you looking for opportunities to gawk at other women and privately lusting after them in your heart (although we all know that God sees all and there really is no "private" space to cheat and get away with it!)?
To really love a woman the way that God wants us to means that we must be fully committed to loving her all the days of her life.
4. Clarity
Do you know what marriage is really about? What God's purpose for it is? Is it just about raising godly offspring? Is it just constructed to give us some enjoyment and satisfaction in life? Or is there something more to it?
“A man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery…” - Ephesians 5:31-32. Indeed, marriage and loving a woman is a great mystery.
According to Tim Keller and his book, The Meaning of Marriage, “God devised marriage to reflect his saving love for us in Christ, to refine our character, to create stable human community for the birth and nurture of children, and to accomplish all this by bringing the complementary sexes into an enduring whole-life union."
When it comes to loving a woman God's way, we must have more clarity of its purpose. We must be continually reminded that it is not primarily about our happiness or hers. There is so much more depth to marriage and loving a woman than simply happiness and personal enjoyment. God provides those basic things through marriage, but it is clear that there is more going on here. Men would do well to carefully consider and get clear about what God has in mind first so he can more fully embrace and understand what loving a woman is really all about.
5. Christ
Pastor J.P. includes this one in his talk, but I felt like I needed to as well. The only way that a man can really love a woman is if he is fully committed to Jesus Christ.
Can you love a woman without loving Christ 100%, from the bottom of your heart? Sure. But not in the way that God intended. To do this, it must begin and end with being a man whose whole life is committed to the following and submitting to Christ.
Consider this well-known passage from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
This is what the love of Christ looks like. Wherever you see the word love, replace it with "Jesus". That is what Christ's love is like. He is loving, kind, does not boast, etc.
If you ever want to replace the word "love" with your name - it can only be done through the grace and life of Christ inside of you. This kind of love is supernatural. It is the way of God and it can be the way that we love too.
But only if Christ is first in our hearts.
No half-hearted Christianity. Only fully-devoted, 100%, all-the-way in men.
Men: loving a woman starts here with these 5 C's: Character. Chivalry. Committed. Clarity. Christ.
As mentioned at the top of this blog, here is the full message from Pastor J.P. Please watch it and hear more about this important conversation on how to love a woman.
