How Christian dads can parent with Love & Logic
As fathers, we want to do our best when raising our children. We want them to grow up feeling loved and secure while also respecting authority and learning to be responsible adults along the way. The Love and Logic parenting philosophy is an effective way to accomplish this. It provides tools to help Christian men raise kids that are self-confident, respectful, responsible, and better able to choose the path of Christ for themselves.
As my wife and I have raised our girls (the oldest is 17 at the time of this writing and the youngest is 8), we have read (and re-read) the book and listened to their trainings called, Parenting with Love & Logic, many times. (You can find it in our Amazon Store by clicking here). It has been an invaluable source of encouragement, confidence, and strength for us and we believe strongly in its principles and the tools they teach.
With that in mind, let's take a closer look at how you can use the principles of Love and Logic in your home.
What is Love and Logic?
First things first, in case you're unfamiliar: Love and Logic is an approach to parenting that teaches parents how to set limits while still showing love for your children. It focuses on teaching children responsibility through natural consequences instead of punishment or rewards. It also encourages problem-solving skills by providing choices instead of ultimatums. This method helps children learn from their mistakes - rather than from fear of repercussion or shame from their parents. This may sound like a minor point, but it is key for children to learn to own their lives and take responsibility for them later on. The long-term goal of all parenting is for this to happen and Love & Logic aims for this by starting early in a child's life.
Here Are 5 Ways For Christian Dads To Parent With Love & Logic
1) Set Clear Expectations
Let your child know what you expect from them in any given situation - before it arises - so there is no confusion about what will happen if they don’t follow the rules. Seems fair enough, right? Probably something you as an adult would like from others as well! We are simply treating our kids the way we like to be treated with this idea.
Setting clear expectations allows your child to make a conscious decision about whether or not they would like to follow the expectations set out for them without feeling threatened by consequences. They will simply know what will happen if expectations are not met. By doing this, they cannot (as easily anyway) point the finger back at you or something else and shift the blame when the consequences come. This is a huge step in parenting and allows children to internalize the true issue at hand and not try to say it was someone or something else's fault.
So set clear expectations in the beginning and simply let the consequences - your angry response - do the talking.
2) Give Choices
Giving your child choices gives them a sense of control while still making sure they are following the rules or expectations you have set out for them. No one likes to be told what to do all day. By giving them choices they are, in a sense, deciding what they want to do. The "trick", however, is that the choices you give actually are accomplishing everything that YOU want them to do anyway.
For example, if your child refuses to do their chores, you could offer them a choice between doing it now or doing it later in the day when they will have less free time (a consequence for not completing it earlier in the day). Or, let's say you want them to eat vegetables at dinner. Instead of demanding they do it, you could give them choices: "Would you like to eat a few carrots or green beans instead?"
Again, this seems so small and minor that it surely can't make a big impact. Right? But you'd be wrong if you think that's the case. Think of it this way: how well do you respond to someone telling you want to do versus saying, "Would you rather _________ or __________?".
Giving choices all day long was a game-changer in our home and could be in yours as well.
3) Encourage Problem Solving
Whenever possible, allow your child to practice problem solving by offering suggestions but allowing them to come up with solutions themselves. If they make a mistake, encourage them to think of ways they could have done things differently next time. Avoid lecturing them on why their decision was wrong this time around.
Think long-term with this one.
When your kids are older and you're not able to always be there for them to rescue them or help guide them - you're going to want them to be equipped to deal with life and the variables they'll face without you around. By encouraging them to solve problems on their own, you give them the confidence to know that they can solve their own problems and find solutions. This independence is a huge issue for many people today who have always had someone else (parents usually!) who never allowed them to learn how to problem solve on their own.
It's ok to let kids fail and mess up. Use these opportunities to help them grow and learn that they have what it takes to win in life.
4) Speak Kindly
Speak kindly but firmly when setting limits with your kids so that they understand you are serious but still feel supported by your words rather than judged or scolded for their misbehavior. Dads, we tend to struggle in this area and have a lot to work on. Kind but firm limit-setting is the way to go.
As we're instructed in Ephesians 6:4, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Sometimes we men don't realize that the facial expressions we use or the tone of our voices can make a huge impact on our kids. Be aware of these things as we work to create homes that our kids love to be in. Speak and be kind - it goes a long ways!
5) Use Natural Consequences
Natural consequences are those that occur naturally due to the actions taken (i.e. if a child does not finish their homework then they will receive a lower grade). These types of consequences give children ownership over their decisions and allows them learn from experience rather than from punishments alone. Not allowing natural consequences and only using punishments can often lead to resentment later on down the road.
One of the big things that we learn in Love & Logic parenting is that consequences should and can speak for themselves. We don't need to always add to them and give our children an excuse to be angry at us, instead. Simply say, "What a bummer! I'm sorry that you have to face these consequences. Maybe next time you'll do better. I know you can!" Then walk away and trust the consequences to do their work.
Parenting with love and logic gives Christian dads access to powerful tools that help us effectively raise strong, responsible, self-confident children who can make wise decisions based on past experiences rather than fear of punishment or reward systems alone. By using clear expectations, giving choices, encouraging problem solving, speaking kindly, and using natural consequences when necessary; we can ensure our kids grow up understanding right from wrong while still maintaining respect for authority figures.
These are life-changing gifts that we can give to our kids! Try out some of these techniques today and let us know what works best for you. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised at how much easier parenting becomes by using these 5 tools.
