The Power of Friendship: Why men need them more than ever
"9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
I asked my team at work this the other day and I'll ask you the same thing now:
Picture yourself at the end of your life and everyone knows you're about to pass away and go be with the Lord. People are lining up to say their goodbyes. (Here's the question)
What do you hope they line up and THANK YOU for?
One of the driving forces of my life is that people would line up and thank me for being an elite friend. I don't want to be just a "good" friend - but an elite one! Someone who stands out as critical to someone. A friend who helped them live a better life for Christ.
Am I the only one who hopes for and desperately needs solid, great friendships?
I don't think so. In fact, I think that this verse - which has been relegated mainly to weddings - is a key verse for Christian men to take to heart.
Let's look at why.
The Power of Friendship
It's not good to go through life alone. That's why God inspired this Scripture. He knows how he made us and he is telling us pretty plainly here: two people are better off than one!
Why? Because they can help you succeed and you can help them.
This isn't all that profound to understand...but the reality is that we're lonelier and more depressed than we've ever been before!
For many Christian men, we're plenty busy. We're working full-time, running kids around, paying bills, going to church, and DOING all sorts of things. But the reality for many of us - is that we feel pretty alone at the end of the day.
Sure, many of us are married and love our families. But God has made us for friendships with other men that connect us to him and help us succeed more and enjoy more of life.
You see, all men need at least ONE great friend. Someone who can reach out to you and help you out when you need a helping hand. Someone that you can also reach out to and help out when they need you. It's just how we're made. We were designed for community and friendships like this and when we don't have it - we all suffer.
Think, for a second, about a time in your life when you were down and out. Maybe it was a season of discouragement at work or in your home. Maybe it was a time of sickness or health issues that you were dealing with. Or maybe you had a wayward child or trouble with an in-law or relative.
Whatever it was - what you needed during that time was a great friend. Someone who you could spill your guts to and they'd encourage you, pray for you, point you in the right direction, or just sit there and let you vent.
But what do you do when you don't have this friend in your life? Who do you turn to when the storms of life come raging?
The wrong time to be thinking about building a friendship like this is when the storm hits. Instead, you need to start developing them when its sunny out and all is well. Because, as well all know, "someone who falls alone is in real trouble."
The Synergy of Friendship
Do you know what synergy is? Synergy is when the combined efforts of a few produces far greater results than the individual parts. This is where you get the equation, 1 + 1 = 3.
With a friend, you are exponentially stronger - not just "a little bit stronger" than you could be on your own! When God inspired this passage he was telling you that godly friendships are critical to your health and well-being. You're in big trouble if you try to walk this life alone.
In this life, the Bible says, you WILL have trouble. Can I get an "a-men!"? At times, life is brutal. I remember a season of our lives where my wife and I buried three close relatives in a very short window of time. It felt like life (and death) was coming at us faster than we could handle.
I vividly remember going through the hardest period of our marriage due to some circumstances that we never dreamed of happening to us - but it rocked our world. The pain and hurt was very deep. But I also remember us calling some of our best, life-long friends in the moment of our initial shock and awe and they came over and sat with us, prayed with us, hurt with us, and walked side-by-side with us through that entire season.
We couldn't have made it without them and so many other amazing friends.
When I think of these moments - and we all will have them or have already had many like them - I hurt for men who do not have what we have. I want all Christian men to find friendships that are deep and meaningful and life-giving like we are fortunate to have.
How To Find And Develop Deep Friendships
So what can you do to find and develop these deep friendships before the troubles come? There are a few things that come to mind that may help.
1. Learn to be a great friend first
What kind of friend do you love the most?
Probably someone who is fun, loyal, encouraging, loves Jesus, is happy, etc. Right?
Here's what you do then: take your list of what it means to you to be a great friend and start being one to someone else. That's it. Guess what is likely to happen over time? The more of a great friend that you are to someone else... the more great friends you'll find that you have.
It's takes one to be one. So be a great friend first!
2. Be willing to take some chances
It's a little risky to get to know someone. What if they reject you? What if it doesn't work out after you try to win them over? What if.....?
That's true. It's possible. But here's what I'd say instead:
What if it DOES work? What if they DO become someone you enjoy being around? What if it's amazing instead of awful?
Take some chances! Put yourself out there to invite someone over or - do what I love to do and invite someone to coffee. If the conversation fizzles and its not super easy then just let them know you appreciate the chance to hang out and then find an excuse to go. No problem!
But trust me - it's worth it! That's the main thing I hope you hear. Taking a chance at building friendships can be scary but you'll never know what you're missing if you don't try!
3. Be curious
One of the keys to being a great friend is to be curious about them. This means asking great questions and learning to dig for more.
For example, if someone were to say to me, "I grew up in a small town in Iowa on a farm. It was pretty boring, but my eight siblings and I had a good home and enjoyed life like that as kids." This would bring out some curiosity in me. I might say:
"That's awesome. I grew up in a small, farm town too! And eight siblings - wow! Tell me about that. What was that like growing up with such a big family?"
Hopefully, you get the point. The key is to be curious about others and let them talk about themselves. That's crucial to people liking you and wanting to be around you more. Let them share details about themselves. This doesn't make them selfish - it just makes them human. We all like to talk about ourselves whether we admit it or not. We translate that as, "Gosh, that guy was nice. He really cared about my story."
So be curious and ask great questions and follow-up questions. (i.e. Tell me more about that. Explain that to me. What do you mean by that?)
4. Pray
Do you feel like you're lacking friendships like the ones we're talking about here and wish you had some (or one!)?
Have you tried everything you know to do but it just hasn't produced as many as you'd like?
I bet you know what I'm going to ask next...
Have you asked God - you're loving, amazing, and able Father - about it?
It's amazing how often we never bring issues like this to him. We (wrongly) think that, "he's got bigger things to worry about than me having a pity-party about having no friends!". But that is so wrong and so not God!
Pray about it. Talk to him and let him know what's on your mind and in your heart. Give it to him and ask for opportunities to grow more friendships and then - this is key - be willing to act on it when he does. Don't chicken out. When he responds and brings them to you - thank him for it - and use some of these tactics that we just talked about to to develop and grow some great new friendships.
The bottom line is this: it's not safe or good or advised - or the way God made you - to try to do this life alone. This passage isn't just about marriage. Instead, its about this truth: Christian men need other men in their lives to help them live out their God-given purposes and to help them live "life to the fullest" in Christ. You can't do it on your own, so don't try! Take the time to foster great friendships. Be one to others. Take some chances and be patient. Be curious and ask great questions. And pray about it and give to God. You'll be glad you did (and so will your new friends)!
